I don't want to make this one of those "love yourself" post, even though you all should. I want this to be more about just my feelings on my own self-esteem. I have had a lot of self-esteem issues in the past year or so, this mostly stems from a bad experience with co-workers and because I have gained a lot of weight within the last year. Some of these problems you may have read about if you've been following my blog for awhile.
In the last few months I have noticed a change in my moods, I seem to be happier more, the little things don't seem to get me down as much as they used to, and despite my friends annoyance at my "giant ego" I have felt like I was beautiful for one of the first times in my life. Yeah, I know that probably sounds cheesy, but it is true. I have always had people call me pretty or cute and I only had a few people who would say negative things. I didn't really focus on those negative things but I also never believed the compliments given to me.
I'm not sure about you but to me being called pretty or cute just seems like really shallow compliments that don't hold very much meaning. I'm not trying to say those are bad compliments but to me they just seem very generic and like something people tell every person they come across. When I hear people trying to boost someone spirit about their looks it is always pretty used, rarely words like beautiful or gorgeous. Yes, this whole paragraph probably seems odd, but this is my blog and this is how I feel about those words so deal. :P
Anyway, I have recently become fairly close to a friend I met a little over a year ago and once again I am going to sound cheesy but I'm pretty sure he is the first person to ever actually call me beautiful, and it feels great. Okay, so admittedly I may have a bit of a crush on him, but I can tell he seems genuine about thinking I'm beautiful and it has been a huge confidence boost regardless of my feeling for him. When someone compliments you out of the blue, simply because they feel like it, just seems so much better than receiving compliments on a photo you posted. not that I don't love getting compliments from you guys, they do make me feel quite good and do put a smile on my face.
Another big boost in self-esteem and my confidence is tumblr. I always hear that people have problems with social networking sites saying that they destroy young girls self esteem, I don't think this is try if you don't let it. when I first joined tumblr I was looking at pictures of rail thin models and it was bringing me down about my own body type. I slowly started moving from a fashion related to a fandom related blog(you guys that follow me probably think I am insane for most of the stuff I post, but I love you for still following) and I noticed a change, I stopped compairing myself to models and instead to compliments that were given to me. Friends I made started praising me on my interests and seemed to like me for who I was.(yes more cheesy lines)
I can't explain why but tumblr has boosted my confidence and has also led me into a part of my life where i have stopped worrying about conforming into one group. when I first got interested in goth my mentality was learn everything and play by the rules. Now my mentality is fuck it I'm doing what I want, hell I don't even call myself a goth. Tumblr has taught me to indulge in all my interests and not care if they don't go together. this has also led to fashion changes. To be honest I still love the dark aesthetic and probably always will, but at times I just wanna dress normal or bum around in my old faded blue ripped jeans and a fandom t-shirt. I used to try and only wear gothy outfit but now I am wearing whatever I feel like wearing and I feel great doing it.
I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this post is and I'm afraid i may have landed in ranting territory(HOLY SHIT THIS POST IS LONG!) but here is a not so gothy outfit i wore today :P
