Being Called Beautiful Can Go A Long Way

Hey guys, I was going to just do a simple outfit post but I have decided that I wanted to talk about something instead.  I'm going to try not to turn this into a rant because I think this is actually a pretty positive post.  What I want to talk about is self-esteem.  I know we all have our ups and downs, some days all I want to do is cry others I am the happiest person in the world.  Some days start out bad and something turns them around and everything bad that happened earlier just seems to disappear, personally I love these days.

I don't want to make this one of those "love yourself" post, even though you all should.  I want this to be more about just my feelings on my own self-esteem.  I have had a lot of self-esteem issues in the past year or so, this mostly stems from a bad experience with co-workers and because I have gained a lot of weight within the last year.  Some of these problems you may have read about if you've been following my blog for awhile.

In the last few months I have noticed a change in my moods, I seem to be happier more, the little things don't seem to get me down as much as they used to, and despite my friends annoyance at my "giant ego" I have felt like I was beautiful for one of the first times in my life.  Yeah, I know that probably sounds cheesy, but it is true.  I have always had people call me pretty or cute and I only had a few people who would say negative things.  I didn't really focus on those negative things but I also never believed the compliments given to me.

I'm not sure about you but to me being called pretty or cute just seems like really shallow compliments that don't hold very much meaning.  I'm not trying to say those are bad compliments but to me they just seem very generic and like something people tell every person they come across.  When I hear people trying to boost someone spirit about their looks it is always pretty used, rarely words like beautiful or gorgeous.  Yes, this whole paragraph probably seems odd, but this is my blog and this is how I feel about those words so deal.  :P

Anyway, I have recently become fairly close to a friend I met a little over a year ago and once again I am going to sound cheesy but I'm pretty sure he is the first person to ever actually call me beautiful, and it feels great.  Okay, so admittedly I may have a bit of a crush on him, but I can tell he seems genuine about thinking I'm beautiful and it has been a huge confidence boost regardless of my feeling for him.  When someone compliments you out of the blue, simply because they feel like it, just seems so much better than receiving compliments on a photo you posted.  not that I don't love getting compliments from you guys, they do make me feel quite good and do put a smile on my face.

Another big boost in self-esteem and my confidence is tumblr.  I always hear that people have problems with social networking sites saying that they destroy young girls self esteem, I don't think this is try if you don't let it.  when I first joined tumblr I was looking at pictures of rail thin models and it was bringing me down about my own body type.  I slowly started moving from a fashion related to a fandom related blog(you guys that follow me probably think I am insane for most of the stuff I post, but I love you for still following) and I noticed a change, I stopped compairing myself to models and instead to compliments that were given to me. Friends I made started praising me on my interests and seemed to like me for who I was.(yes more cheesy lines)

I can't explain why but tumblr has boosted my confidence and has also led me into a part of my life where i have stopped worrying about conforming into one group.  when I first got interested in goth my mentality was learn everything and play by the rules.  Now my mentality is fuck it I'm doing what I want, hell I don't even call myself a goth.  Tumblr has taught me to indulge in all my interests and not care if they don't go together.  this has also led to fashion changes.  To be honest I still love the dark aesthetic and probably always will, but at times I just wanna dress normal or bum around in my old faded blue ripped jeans and a fandom t-shirt.  I used to try and only wear gothy outfit but now I am wearing whatever I feel like wearing and I feel great doing it.

I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this post is and I'm afraid i may have landed in ranting territory(HOLY SHIT THIS POST IS LONG!) but here is a not so gothy outfit i wore today :P

Why Do People Find It Appropriate To Continually Insult A Celebrity For An Hour Straight?

Sorry guys you get to hear another rant from me!!  Don't you guys feel privileged?  So this time my rant is about people wasting an hour of their lives saying mean things about a celebrity.

The reason for this topic?  Well I noticed on tumblr today that somebody reblogged a bunch of photos of Miley Cyrus's new hairstyle with tags and comments saying how ugly it is.  Now I'm not a Miley Cyrus fan but I think it is kind of rude to purposely reblog multiple photos of somebody and and just trash them.

If you don't like a celebrities new hairstyle that is fine, perhaps mention it once or twice in a humane manner, don't post hateful messages about it.  Due to these photos showing up on my dashboard I have obviously seen them and Miley is smiling in them which suggests she likes her new hairstyle.  As far as I'm concerned if she likes it then good for her.  I'm glad she is happy with it, and if you're not then shut your pie hole.

It makes me angry when somebody feels it is appropriate behavior to dis somebody just because you don't like a damn fashion choice they made.  Its not your hair or outfit so it should not bother you so much you feel a need to tell the world that you think it makes them ugly people.

Sorry for the rant but somethings just make me angry and it feels good to vent.

What's With All The Mainstream Hate?

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This is more of a rant than an actual post but lately I have been seeking out the few alternative-ish people that live in my city.  I have noticed that I get along with them quite well(I now have a buddy to go thrifting with) but they all seem to complain about one thing in particular.  The mainstream.  Not just the over all culture but ever little thing about it, they won't listen to bands once they become popular and will only wear things that no one else has and so on.  To be brutally honest it kind of annoys me to see people throw something aside for being mainstream. 

I know a lot of Goths aren't very fond of mainstream culture but as far as a I can tell most of them aren't going to stop liking something just because its popular.  That just seems stupid.  In my opinion a song is good whether it is popular or not.  If The Sisters of Mercy suddenly became the coolest thing ever does that mean that every alternative person that liked them before is going to just stop listening to them.  No, only the people who care about such trivial things as not having anything in common with mainstream culture are going to stop listening to them.  The rest of us are going to continue on blaring their favorite songs as loud as they can.

So this brings me to an interesting thought; why is something being mainstream considered a bad thing.  Is it because you now feel like your personification as a unique individual is going to be jeopardised if you happen to like Ke$ha?  If it is then I'll let you in on a secret, anybody that matters is not going to think of you any different for liking something popular. 

I personally am fine with the mainstream.  People who fall under mainstream do because the things they happen to like are mainstream, so really its no different than being alternative because you like weird and different things.  If I like a mainstream song I listen to it and I do it with pride.  If I like a mainstream style I will follow it.  Hell, today I went to school in ripped jeans, Ugg knockoffs, and a light grey striped cardigan and I thought I looked cute.  I looked completely normal with the exception of having pink hair but I still think I looked awesome.

And just to make this worth your while I will throw in a bit of advice that most people should already know.  Life is not going to be very fun if you spend all your time worrying about being unique.  Just live your life to have fun and do things that make you happy.  There is really no point in being a unique individual if you can't enjoy yourself.  Well there you have it that is the end of my rant.

Feeling Like the New Kid

This is a kind of personal post.  I usually don't like to share my thoughts or talk about personal problems due to a mix of things mostly my lack of being able to trust people.

Lately I have been feeling kind of lost and lonely.  I have had many issues with friends in the last year or so.  This has included an end of friendship with someone I had considered to be my best friend since the second grade.  I'd prefer not to go into much detail but I have felt broken up about it ever since, despite it having happened about 5 months ago.  I have tried talking to this friend but it is obvious she has changed quite alot since we were last close(almost a year ago) and she doesn't seem to care as much about patching things up as I do.  She treats my like crap everytime we do see each other so I'm not quite sure why I feel so quilty about things that I said to her the night I told her I was done trying to be friends with her.  The things I said had in no way been against her nor did she take them that way but I still feel like its my fault that were no longer friends.

I have also kind of emotionally moved away from the majority of my other friends, I didn't get into any fights or anything its more of a feeling of being the only one putting effort into a friendship.  Most of the people I was friends with I don't even consider friends with just as I am almost positive they don't really consider me to be a friend.  I feel like all the common things we liked just kinda disappeared as we got older and I don't really have any options to find friends who do have something in common with me.

Two weeks ago I went back to school full time after a year and like the title suggests I feel like I am in a new highschool with people I have never met.  The only familiar things are the room numbers and teachers.  Even the way social interactions happen seems to have changed.  When I left middle school and entered highschool I felt like it was heaven, aall the bullying seemed to stop and people just kind of paid attention to their friend groups and ignored others.  when I went back I noticed a change, mostly in my last period of class there is a girl who sits in from of me and you can tell she is not 'normal' by popular opinion and its not full on teasing or anything but I have noticed a few people mocking her and I feel there isn't much I can do besides give those people dirty looks.  The teacher has noticed and will tell kids to stop and they will for that day but will start up again the next day.  I don't remember highschool being this way, the last time I had been picked on to an extent to actually bug me was in middle school. 

I've even noticed that I myself have been given dirty looks as of late and even overheard people talking about me in the hallways, maybe it is because i was once surrounded by friends that I never noticed this but without having people around me it feels like the peacefulness of my first three years of highschool were just an illusion caused by my own ignorance to what was going on right in front of me.  My first day back to school I sat on a bench alone at lunch and realised just how much I had changed as a person since I had last been there.  People kept looking at me as if I actually was a new kid when I had been in that school since day one of grade nine and it just made me feel even more alone.  I even got a pity chat from a teacher who sat down and started making rather akward conversation about my hair color this naturally did not make me feel better and just made me think that you know your life has gone down hill when the only person who will talk to you is a teacher.

I once again feel like I do not belong, the last time I felt like this was in middle school.  To be perfectly honest I think my temporary feeling of belonging was a complete lie to myself.  In the seventh grade I discovered bands like The Ramones and The Sex Pistols and started wearing skinny jeans, this led to bullying and being called emo and other details that I'd prefer to keep to myself for now(I have only talked to one friend about everything that happened to me and this was only recent).  This was the first time I started to feel like I didn't belong in todays society.  When I reached highschool the main reason the bullying stopped was because I pretty much re-invented myself I started dressing 'normal' and making sure that I filled my MP3 with popular music.  I did this because at the time I thought it made me happier, I was so terrified of being bullied that dressing in a way I hated and listening to crappy music and not having people bully you was better that being myself.

I stayed like this for a long time.  A couple years ago an alt store briefly opened up in my city and people started calling it Goth.  I liked the stuff quite a bit so I bought some stuff  before it closed due to lack of sales.  I even looked up what goth was, I had heard the term before but never paid it much attention.  I liked some of the music I found and joined a goth group, what I didn't know at he time was that the online group I joined was and elitist group of sorts and as fast as I had found it I had left it because noone seemed to want to help a new comer and every small mistake you made would be looked down on.  This group turned me off of goth until recently when I had a bit of an emotional breakdown around the time I was having problems with my 'friends'.  I realised that I was going to be judged whether I was dressing normal or not and I pretty much decided that I was gonna go goth.  It was kind of an on the spot thing but I started my goth research again and told myself I would not join any groups I didn't feel comfortable in.  This time around obviously went alot better.  I ran into people who wanted to help me and showed me music that I liked even more that the bands suggested to me my first time around.  Things went great, I felt great too.

Then I came across more problems.  It has not been anything that can really be explained.  I started having nightmares about some of the things said and done to me when I used to be bullied, I have never had these before.  And in the last two weeks I have had this odd feeling of not being in control of my life and like everything around me is just spinning out of control.  My emotions are everywhere, one minute I'm happy as can be the next I'm crying for no reason and the worst part is that I don't really have anyone to talk to.  I have always kept things to myself and have some pretty major trust issues.  I have one friend that I am considering talking to but I just don't know if it is the right thing to do.  The last time I talked to someone I ended up in therapy with the therapist asking me "Why don't you get a group of your friends to talk to?"  when the reason I was feeling like this was because I only had one friend that was moving half way across the country in 2 months.

Anyways sorry for the giant rant about my life and my feelings but I'm just really confused right now and writing this blog seemed like the right thing to do at the time but will probably get deleted when ,my mind starts telling me to stop complaining and suck it up.