Story Time! Early 2014-2015

 So, as promised in my last post, I am going to share a bit of my life from the seven years since I was last active. I'm sure I have no viewers left but that is hardly going to stop me! This photo here was taken probably about a month into 2014.

I left school in December of 2013 due to personal reason, this was also the time in which I abandoned this blog. Anyway, I took a bit of time for self-reflection before finally feeling stable enough to enter the workforce. It was nothing fancy, simply working the front counter at a fast food restaurant.

It was a fast paced job which honestly didn't help my anxiety in any way imaginable. Still, I stuck with it before ultimately deciding that going back to school would be the best route for me. It might seem odd as I had just come back from school a few months prior but this time around I made the decision to stay in my hometown.

This was a great decision as it gave me a support group while attending school; something I hadn't had the first time around.    

At the advice of my mom, I decided to take hairstyling. I will admit that I didn't have any sort of grand moment where I discovered this was my life's calling. It was fun and I did enjoy it. There were others in the class that seemed to live for hairstyling and I envy them, to find something that you love and can profit from is something beautiful.

I did come to genuinely enjoy cutting hair, while I could really leave the colouring and updo's to the others. This posed a bit of a problem because it is a hard thing to find a place that will hire you for just doing haircuts. 

I didn't let this get me down though, I finished school with honours and in high regard with my instructors. I met some great people and I did ultimately find a job within a few weeks of graduating. The job I found ended up being at a men's salon. 

There would be the odd client that would colour their hair but it was far and few between. I did eventually come to love doing short haircuts. I don't mind working with longer hair but working with shorter more 'masculine' cuts was where I found I had real talent.

I will get more into my life after school in later posts. It has been over five years since I graduated from hair school so there is lots more to tell. Instead I will leave you with some photos taken from my time as a student!

The above is probably from somewhere within my last month of schooling and the one below was taken at some point while I was in class, clearly after I had just coloured my hair purple.

2020! Hell of a year!

 I know that this blog has died and found its way into a fiery pit in hell; but I am indeed still here. I've popped in a few times since this blog was last active, seven years ago, I do believe. Anywho, I was talking to a friend earlier and they mentioned that they sometimes wrote in a blog and it reminded me that this dinosaur of a blog still existed.

So, with the fresh reminder of my past as a blogger, I naturally did what any person would do. I found this badboy and decided to look through some of my rather embarrassing photo's of me as a teenager. Some would probably burn the proof of those awkward years, but I believe in maintaining a certain level of humility.

If you lose your ability to laugh at yourself then you lose your ability to love yourself. I also must admit that I really do miss many of the articles of clothing in these posts, almost all of them have found their way into a donation bin at this point. I also love going back through and looking at my old music recommendations.

I really did find myself listening to some great tunes back then. Some have stayed with me and others have faded away only to be found anew. I have discovered more great music and I have also grown much as a person in more than just music and fashion.

The years that I wrote in this blog were some of the lowest years of my life. This blog hit rock bottom at the same time I myself did. People say that when you hit the bottom that you can only go up from there. I have found this to be true, but I have also found that lifting yourself off the ground does not mean that you will not fall back down again.

I know I'm probably rambling and all, but taking a look at this blog which in many ways was sort of like a diary. I really did put a lot of myself into these posts. I used them to vent, to seek validation, and to connect with others.

When you are met with so many memories of the past I think you can't help but compare your life then to what it is now. I can say that I have had rough patches and good patches in life, but overall, I have become a much more confident person as I've grown.

I have learned more compassion than I ever thought possible, I learned that it isn't only others you need to show compassion to but also yourself. There are many other things I have learned growing up but I do fear that I have likely already made this post far longer than most people would care for reading so I will cut things off here.

I just moments ago saved many pictures of myself from 2014 up to present day and hope to make posts over the next few days sharing my life with anyone that stumbles across this blog.

I think it only fair that I start off with my most recent of photos. From there who knows what I'll do, maybe I will start from oldest to newest or maybe I will pick randomly and share bits and pieces of the wild ride I've been on since reaching adulthood.

So without further ado, I leave you with pictures from a little under a week ago. These were taken the same day that I cut and coloured my hair. 

So, this is me, now at 26. Rocking a completely DIY haircut and colour.

Being Called Beautiful Can Go A Long Way

Hey guys, I was going to just do a simple outfit post but I have decided that I wanted to talk about something instead.  I'm going to try not to turn this into a rant because I think this is actually a pretty positive post.  What I want to talk about is self-esteem.  I know we all have our ups and downs, some days all I want to do is cry others I am the happiest person in the world.  Some days start out bad and something turns them around and everything bad that happened earlier just seems to disappear, personally I love these days.

I don't want to make this one of those "love yourself" post, even though you all should.  I want this to be more about just my feelings on my own self-esteem.  I have had a lot of self-esteem issues in the past year or so, this mostly stems from a bad experience with co-workers and because I have gained a lot of weight within the last year.  Some of these problems you may have read about if you've been following my blog for awhile.

In the last few months I have noticed a change in my moods, I seem to be happier more, the little things don't seem to get me down as much as they used to, and despite my friends annoyance at my "giant ego" I have felt like I was beautiful for one of the first times in my life.  Yeah, I know that probably sounds cheesy, but it is true.  I have always had people call me pretty or cute and I only had a few people who would say negative things.  I didn't really focus on those negative things but I also never believed the compliments given to me.

I'm not sure about you but to me being called pretty or cute just seems like really shallow compliments that don't hold very much meaning.  I'm not trying to say those are bad compliments but to me they just seem very generic and like something people tell every person they come across.  When I hear people trying to boost someone spirit about their looks it is always pretty used, rarely words like beautiful or gorgeous.  Yes, this whole paragraph probably seems odd, but this is my blog and this is how I feel about those words so deal.  :P

Anyway, I have recently become fairly close to a friend I met a little over a year ago and once again I am going to sound cheesy but I'm pretty sure he is the first person to ever actually call me beautiful, and it feels great.  Okay, so admittedly I may have a bit of a crush on him, but I can tell he seems genuine about thinking I'm beautiful and it has been a huge confidence boost regardless of my feeling for him.  When someone compliments you out of the blue, simply because they feel like it, just seems so much better than receiving compliments on a photo you posted.  not that I don't love getting compliments from you guys, they do make me feel quite good and do put a smile on my face.

Another big boost in self-esteem and my confidence is tumblr.  I always hear that people have problems with social networking sites saying that they destroy young girls self esteem, I don't think this is try if you don't let it.  when I first joined tumblr I was looking at pictures of rail thin models and it was bringing me down about my own body type.  I slowly started moving from a fashion related to a fandom related blog(you guys that follow me probably think I am insane for most of the stuff I post, but I love you for still following) and I noticed a change, I stopped compairing myself to models and instead to compliments that were given to me. Friends I made started praising me on my interests and seemed to like me for who I was.(yes more cheesy lines)

I can't explain why but tumblr has boosted my confidence and has also led me into a part of my life where i have stopped worrying about conforming into one group.  when I first got interested in goth my mentality was learn everything and play by the rules.  Now my mentality is fuck it I'm doing what I want, hell I don't even call myself a goth.  Tumblr has taught me to indulge in all my interests and not care if they don't go together.  this has also led to fashion changes.  To be honest I still love the dark aesthetic and probably always will, but at times I just wanna dress normal or bum around in my old faded blue ripped jeans and a fandom t-shirt.  I used to try and only wear gothy outfit but now I am wearing whatever I feel like wearing and I feel great doing it.

I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this post is and I'm afraid i may have landed in ranting territory(HOLY SHIT THIS POST IS LONG!) but here is a not so gothy outfit i wore today :P

Tips for 'Dressing Up' When Your a Goth Girl

Source.

This Tuesday I am recieving an english award from my high school.  When told about it I was also told to "Dress up".  This is pretty basic I know, you go to an award cerimony obviously your not going to wear ripped jeans and a Sex Pistols shirt.  The problem for me is that my everyday attire does not consist of ripped jeans and a Sex Pistols shirt.  This is for a couple reasons, one, I do not own a Sex Pistols shirt and I only own a single pair of jeans.  Two, I feel terribly uncomfortable in jeans and usually just throw them on when I haven't done laundry in a while.  Three, I like to feel pretty and I don't feel pretty when wearing old worn out jeans.

So in short, my everyday attire is very different from other students.  For them dressing up is wearing a cute skirt and possibly a blouse or just a nice top.  For me my everyday attire is fancier than most of their ideas of dressing up, in a casual way for an award ceremony.  I wear lace dresses and flowy skirts on a daily basis which means that my version of dressing up is very different from others.

If I were to dress up I am nearly positive I would be over dressed for the ocassion, but at the same time, no matter how trivial it sounds, I feel like it isn't as important if I'm not dressed up.  So now I am stuck in this delema of what to wear for my award ceremony.  If I go 'dressy casual' I feel no different than any other day, and if I go all out with a poofy dress with lace, sequins, and corset lacing then I will be extremely out of place.  Usually I don't mind standing out from others when I'm walking down the street, but being on a stage infront of judgemental parents I am slightly more uncomfortable with looking out of the ordinary.

I figure I cannot be the only goth girl that has been in a situation where they want to wear something a little more special without looking over done, so I am going to post some tips on feeling dressed up without having to over due it.
Buy Something New

I'm not sure about you guys but I always feel gorgeous when I wear a new dress for the first time.  It doesn't even have to actually be a new dress but as long as it is new to me it still gives me that feeling of being a princess that can put on a new dress everyday(of course I do not actually only wear my dresses once but I do enjoy having the feeling of doing so, even if it is only for a day).  This feeling is even petter if you pair your new dress off with either a new pair of shoes or a pair of shoes that you don't wear very often.


Source.

That Perfect In Between Dress

Most girls will probably know what I mean by this.  A perfect in between dress is a dress you consider too fancy to wear every day, unless you are like me and have days when you feel extremely great and want to boost that feeling with wearing something special, but are a far cry from being something you would wear to prom.  My in between dresses are usually bought around christmas time or closer to prom(one of the more casual prom dresses).  They are a step above casual and a step bellow red carpet ready.  They can have some ruffles or some lace but are not super poofy or formal looking.  They are usually around knee length because anything much shorter should probably be thrown into the casual pile. 

To sum it up they are those dresses that do not get alot of day to day action and instead are usually reserved for a grandparents birthday or a christmas dinner.  Not casual, but also not fancy.

Playing Up a Casual Dress

This is pretty simple, you take a casual dress and you do something to make it seem more formal.  You can do this in a couple ways.  Firstly you can put your hair into a nice updo or durl it into elegant ringlettes.  Another great way is to pair it with some great accessories, a nice hair piece or a victorian necklace work great.  Switching up a casual flat ballet slipper for some more elegant but not too high, high heels is also a great way to play up a casual dress.

Playing Down a Fancy Dress
This is the exact opposite of playing up a casual dress, this is when you take that poofy lace covered prom dress and pair it with items to put a casual spin on it.  The two easiest ways to do this are with hair or a cardigan.  For hair you can leave it down with just some gentle waves or straighten it pin straight.  Using a casual hairstyle automatically brings you look down a couple of notches.  The second way is to put a casual cardigan over top, of course you want to make sure it looks alright before doing into public because to be honest not all dresses will look lice paired of with your favourite cardigan.  When using this tactic you also want to either go with minimal jewelry or crap loads of casual wrist bands.  If you pair this dress with victorian jewelry obviously your going to give it a more elegant, ballroom ready look.  But if you pair your dress with two dozen squishy bracelets you will give your dress more of an 80's madonna vibe.  Also this look is wear you will wanna take those ballet flats from the idea above and wear them.

Of course you can ignore this advice if you are pefectly fine being on stage infront of people and standing out.  Hell, if you are comfortable with this I praise you, I would love to not give a shit and go up looking like a princess.  But anyways I hope you guys like this advice, also if you have anything to add don't be afraid to comment.

Extra Boost of Confidence.

Like most teenage girls I have major self-esteem issues.  I don't have many friends so I started to believe there must be something wrong with me and that nobody liked me.  I have gained weight lately and looking at pictures on Tumblr of super skinny super pretty girls is enough to make me feel like a fat ugly lump.  I am not looking for comments stating that this is not true and that I am beautiful just the way I am and all that stereotypical crap. 

I don't need these boosts, one because they never work and two because in the last week I have been feeling amazing about myself.  There have been a few things to lead up to my new found self-esteem.  Last week a girl a few years younger than me added me on facebook.  I recognised this girl because she goes to my school so I accepted her invite thinking she was just one of those girls that adds every person they have ever seen.  I was wrong, she actually specifically searched for me and added me because she thought I seemed like a cool person and she had really wanted to meet me.  We have been talking and have hung out a bit in between classes and even though my first impression of her was that she was a total mall goth she seems like a really nice girl that is really interesting.

She listens to Black Veil Brides and Marilyn Manson but she does not consider herself goth(I have nothing wrong with people liking these bands as long as they realise they are not goth for doing so).  She actually has a lot of the same interests as me and reminds me of myself when I was her age.  Just having someone who seems interested in being my friend seemed to do a lot to boost my self-esteem and my overall confidence level. 

I have also been too busy to spend hours looking at photos on tumblr and I actually feel some of the negative thoughts about my weight going away and instead have been paying extra attention to the positive aspects of my weight gain.  My body looks more proportion whereas before I always felt kind of top heavy, I feel better physically and yesterday I was looking through photos of Marilyn Monroe and realised I was no bigger than she was and she is one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen and well her body is still hot and for once looking through pictures of a model actually made me feel great instead of destroying my body image.

Sorry to bore you guys but I have had writers block for over a month and don't know what else to post about.  Is there anything you guys do or anything that has happened to you that has made you feel more confident?

Just a Quick Ego Boost

I have reached 10 followers and over 300 views!  Okay, I am fully aware this is not that big an accomplishment, lots of people have hundreds of followers and some even thousands.  Despite this I'm pretty excited seeing as how I am a random 17 year old girl from some small, northernish town in Canada, who is just starting out in a scene that is completely new to her(I've never even met a real goth).

I have always felt like nobody was listening so even just having ten people interested in me enough to follow my blog makes me happy.  So thank you guys!!(Especially Victorian Kitty for linking to me on her blog; this almost doubled my views in a single day)

Hey look!  I used to be somewhat normal :D  I found this on my computer a little while ago and thought I'd throw it in for fun.  This was taken Christmas of 2008 I believe(This actually used to be on of my favorite make-up looks, icy blue eyeshadow with sparkly blue eyeliner).